There's No Place Like Home
by these-words-are-my-own
Summary: Rachel is in New York wondering how her life has turned out this way. But then again, maybe it hasn't... Slightly cracky fic for how Season 4 should end.


Rachel stood in the middle of the NYADA hallway, absently watching as people milled around her, walking to class. She was where she had always dreamed of being, yet everything felt wrong to her. Everything that had happened in the past year was weighing her down – what happened with Brody, the pregnancy scare, having to rely on others to fight her own fights… was this really what her life had become?

A person bumping into her from behind startled Rachel out of her reverie. Slightly disorientated, she looked around her and realised that she wasn't standing in a NYADA hallway. In fact, she wasn't even in New York – she was on a train. Glancing out the window and seeing the New Directions standing on the platform, she quickly realised exactly where she was – she was on the train to New York, going to meet her dad's so they could scout out the city before she moved there for NYADA in the fall. There was no Brody, no apartment with Kurt and Santana, no worry over who the father might be if she was pregnant… Oh my god, how had everything that had happened be just a daydream?

"Seriously, would you _move_?" came an irritated voice from behind her, and Rachel quickly stepped aside, realising she was blocking the aisle. Gripping her bag tightly, she turned on her heel and rushed off the train and back onto the platform.

"Rachel, what are you doing?" Finn said as all her friends headed towards her in confusion. "You need to get back on the train before it leaves!"

"No," she said firmly, a slight panic in her voice. "I'm not leaving. Not before everything is settled – I can't have my life turn out that way!"

"Turn out what way Rachel?" Kurt asked from his position beside Blaine, the pair watching their friend with worry.

"I know it was only for a few moments, but while I was on the train, it was like I had this flash of the future. I was in New York, and having success at NYADA, which wasn't surprising at all considering I have been preparing myself for the stage since I could talk but everything else in my life was a mess!"

She turned to Finn. "You and I had broken up, because I was living in New York and you were in the army, even though you had to leave because you shot yourself" (Finn paled at this) "but then you ended up working at McKinley as the new Mr Shue before you got bumped from that as well. And then I was dating this NYADA guy who turned out to be a prostitute – a prostitute! And then I thought I was pregnant but I wasn't sure if he was the father or you were because we had hooked up at Mr Shue's wedding, and I don't even know how that would have happened because even _before_ I was having sex I always knew the importance of using protection, and it doesn't even make sense, why would I not use protection when Brody and I had decided to have an open relationship, that just isn't _safe_!"

"Brody?" Finn asked in confusion trying to keep up with her rambling.

"Yes, he's the prostitute I mentioned."

"Okay Rachel," Kurt said, moving around to wrap an arm around Rachel's shoulders. "I think you've somehow taken an extra dose of the crazy pills today, and you just need to calm down."

"Oh and you!" Rachel cried, turning on Kurt who stepped away in shock. "You were living with me in New York too, and even though you got into NYADA as well you just seemed so unhappy, even though you were dating that new guy, probably because you were still in love with Blaine and you just wouldn't admit it."

Blaine frowned. "Wait, why would Kurt be dating a new guy?"

"Because the two of you broke up after you cheated on Kurt with some random stranger."

Kurt began to splutter and moved to stand next to Blaine, wrapping an arm possessively around his waist. "I'm sorry Rachel, but you _have_ met Blaine before right? He would never do that – not only because he loves me but he just isn't the type of person to do that."

"Exactly," Blaine chimed in. "Sex has always been important to me – heck, Kurt and I waited 8 months in our relationship for the right time before both of us were ready to take the next step – there is no way I would just jump in bed with the some random guy, _especially_ when I'm in love with Kurt. We pretty much have already planned out the rest of our lives together. Why the hell would I cheat on him?"

"Because after Kurt moved to New York he kind of started ignoring you and not listening to you when you were trying to tell him how you feel."

"Well that's just dumb," Santana added dryly. "These two talk more with each other about their feelings and pretty much every topic under the sun than any other couple in the history of existence. It's sickening to watch really."

"Oh, and you were living with us in New York too!" Rachel cried.

Santana's eyebrows reached her hairline. "I barely tolerate you hobbit, why would I willingly subject myself to your crazy?"

"But it's true! You were mooching off us and living in our apartment after you quit college and broke up with Brittany because you were afraid you would cheat, but then I don't think you ended up dating anyone anyway except for that one girl you paid to date you to make Brittany jealous because she was dating Sam."

"Okay, hold up Berry. First of all, look at me – I am one fine piece of ass and not to mention awesome in the sack. I do not need to _pay_ anyone to be my girlfriend. And second of all, I loves my Brit, and you would have to pry me off her with a crowbar before I let her go, especially to go and date Sam of all people."

"Hey!" Sam cried in indignation.

"I think we'd make very pretty blonde babies," Brittany said dreamily, raking her eyes over Sam. "But I'd rather make babies with Santana."

"Uh, Rachel? The train is leaving," Finn said, watching the train start to pull away, but Rachel was still going.

"Oh, and Tina! I know I said that next year would be your time to shine, but then Mr Shue found this really cutesy, kinda bland girl and pretty much gave her all the solos, even though her voice was nowhere _near_ as expressive as mine. Or yours," she added as an afterthought.

"I would be offended by that, but I really wouldn't be surprised if Mr Shue pulled that next year," Tina said with a sigh, so Mike gently rubbed her back in sympathy. Seeing this, Rachel's eyes widened.

"Oh, and you and Mike break up. I have no idea why, but you did. Then you end up having a big crush on Blaine which ultimately ended up being pretty inappropriate, with all the ogling and touching."

"But Blaine's gay!" Kurt and Tina cried at the same time Blaine said "but I'm gay!"

"I'm well aware that Blaine is gay, but that's what happened. Kurt had a go at Tina for being a creepy hag, and Tina yelled at Kurt for jerking Blaine around after you hooked up at Mr Shue's wedding and ended up having sex even though Kurt was dating someone else at the time."

By this time everyone seemed to have had enough and exploded at the same time in a loud chorus of voices.

"I would never do that!"

"What do you mean by touching?"

"Why the _hell_ would I crush on Blaine?"

"Why don't you know why Tina and I broke up?"

"I can't believe you chose a prostitute over me!"

"Did you predict Lord Tubbington's future too?"

"Enough!"

Santana's yell cut through all the arguing.

"Rachel, I knew your mind was warped, but the fact that you were able to construct this strange future in only a few minutes means you have reached a whole new level. And while usually I am all for a good old screaming match, I think that just this once we all need to give Rachel a break."

Santana turned and stared down every single one of them.

"I mean, does _any_ of what Rachel said sound like something we would do? It's almost like Rachel took our lives and turned it into some horrible tv show where the writers made us do the biggest out of character crap that I've ever heard just for shits and giggles."

"Well thank god our lives aren't like that," Kurt said, shifting closer towards Blaine, who grabbed his hand and entwined their fingers together.

Looking around, Rachel noticed that every couple had their arms around each other, as if to ward off Rachel's terrible prediction.

"Yeah," she agreed. "We're not some puppets for people to put in unbelievable situations just for the 'drama' of it all."

Glancing behind her to where the train was now gone, she turned back to her friends. "Well, I've missed my train, and I don't really feel like heading to New York just yet. I'll call my dad's and let them know I'm still here, but since they're in New York and won't be home for a while and this may be one of the last times we all get to be together… party at my place?"

"I'll get the alcohol!" Puck cried, quickly rushing off, the rest of the New Directions following, still a little disturbed over Rachel's horrifying nightmare.

"And besides," Rachel was saying to anyone who would listen as she headed towards their cars with her friends. "When Rachel Berry gets to New York, the story of _my_ life is going to be filled with how I take New York by storm – not stupid boy drama and a pregnancy scare. I'm worth so much more than that."

* * *

**A/N:** I've seen quite a few people mention that the only way that this trainwreck of a season can be redeemed is if Ryan Murphy's 'revolutionary' idea for the end of the season was if Rachel woke up on the train to New York from the Season 3 finale and finds out that it was all a dream. Hence this fic.

Plus, can you imagine if we had been told that all of this would happen to our favourite characters at the end of last season? I'm pretty sure we would have had the same reaction of "WTF?"


End file.
